How to Let Someone Love You
Or, the one piece of love advice you should follow (and the bits you should ignore)
As someone who is perennially single, I’ve been given more than my fair share of dating advice. Some of this I’ve actively sort out - if you write a book about relationships, I will pre-order it - and some of it has just been handed out over Sunday lunch without so much as a, “would you like a helping of unsolicited advice with your roast potatoes?”. Over the years I’ve grouped this advice into themes:
“Have you thought about…” - this is the absolute worst sort of advice for two reasons. Firstly, there’s a strong chance that whatever follows this statement will be personal. “Have you thought about losing a little weight / not talking so much about your career / pretending you earn less money / not being so loud”. Secondly, the answer to this question is almost always, “yes”. Yes, I have thought about all of the things that someone might find wrong with me, thanks very much. I’ve also thought about trying whatever dating app / extreme sport you’re about to suggest and I’ve dismissed it for the same reason that I’ve dismissed assuming this is all my fault, I like myself too much to put myself through it.
“It’s Not You, It’s Them” - this advice starts with a long list of all the reasons that relationships are impossible in today’s world and then ends with an even longer list of all the qualities you should look for in another person. An improvement on them giving you a long list of things you should change about yourself but as my grandmother would say, “if you want someone that perfect you better put your apron on, because you’re going to have to bake them.”
“What’s for you won’t miss you” - this is possibly my most hated advice and I cannot turn on a podcast without someone spouting it. It takes no account of privilege, circumstances or plain old luck. Great things miss good people every day, not acknowledging that is ridiculous. The trick is knowing how to accept this and move on.
However, in amongst all the terrible advice there is one little gem that I hold onto: you don’t have to do anything to be loved, other than let yourself be loved. There’s no need to change who you are, come up with a strategy or embrace some cosmic mysticism. If you want to feel loved this Valentine’s day, just allow yourself to feel loved.
One thing I like about this idea is that it’s open to interpretation. If your idea of allowing yourself to feel loved is believing that the bin man took your rubbish away purely as an act of adoration or that the barista put a little extra chocolate on your cappuccino this morning to acknowledge how wonderful you are, go ahead! A little bit of narcissism can be a beautiful thing on a winter’s morning.
Some other ways you can let yourself feel loved:
Take five minutes to make yourself a coffee and sip it slowly while thanking yourself for taking such good care of yourself.
Offer your seat on the tube to someone who looks like they’re hating the day and let the knowledge that you’ve helped someone else hit you with that smugly warm glow that we all so enjoy.
Tell your favourite colleague that today you need them to tell you you’re doing a brilliant job and when they say it, believe them.
Stop to pet pretty much any dog.
Grab your significant other, set a timer and have a six second kiss. Proven to improve your relationship.
Set the table for dinner. If like me you tend to eat off your lap in front of last night’s Love Island (because I can’t stay up past nine to watch it live), then make an effort for yourself. Put out the good dishes, light a candle and create a ritual.
Go to bed early with a good book.
Put down your phone.
So often we think of receiving love as something which requires a big effort from someone else in our direction but if getting older has taught me anything it’s that it’s impossible to feel loved by someone else when you don’t first feel loved by yourself.
Of course, if you really want to receive love from someone else then the one thing you have to do is ask for it.
If you haven’t heard about the five love languages then you’re better at staying off social media than me. And while recent revelations that they were invented by a man with a strong religious tendency towards the idea of women as secondary citizens makes me a little doubtful of their validity, they still hold one valuable fact - we all want to be loved in different ways. And therefore, if you want to receive love from someone else you’re probably going to have to tell them how to do it.
My best ever Valentine’s day was back in 2003. My best friend and I were both single so we agreed we’d spend the day together. We plotted out what we were going to do: go into town for coffee, buy each other some underwear that we actually liked, take each other to the cinema and then go for dinner with yet more of our single friends. It was a delightful day!
Obviously it was delightful because I spent it with someone I love, who knows me inside out and knew exactly how I’d like to spend that time. But also it was delightful because we had a conversation about what we both wanted from it. We sat down and openly shared what we thought would make for a fun day. It came with none of the questions of “can I ask for this?” or “what will she think of this?” that so often intrude when we’re asking what we want. We were just honest.
Very early at that start of my last relationship I told my then partner that I didn’t care if he didn’t buy me a gift for Valentines but I did expect a thoughtfully chosen card with a genuine expression of affection and appreciation inside of it. It was clear and simple communication, and set out exactly what I wanted. He delivered and I felt loved.
So if it’s that simple, why does it so often feel like we’re fighting to be loved? In my opinion, it’s because we fear actually letting someone see us and see what we want. In the two examples above, I gave really clear instructions on what I wanted. I didn’t hold back. I didn’t try and pretend that I wanted less than I was asking for or that I wouldn’t care if I didn’t get it. I was open about the fact that I would feel disappointed if I was let down.
There’s huge vulnerability in receiving love because we first of all have to acknowledge that we want want it and we have to be open to the fact that we might not get it. Our partner might let us down. Our colleagues might forget to tell us when we do a good job. That dog might give us one sniff and then head in the other direction. When we ask for what we want and expect to receive it, we’re in a space of relying on others. It’s why giving is so much easier that receiving.
If we can just allow ourselves it sit in that place of vulnerability, however, great things can happen. And in case you were in any doubt today, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved. Just allow yourself to receive it.
Each month, I offer paid subscribers the chance to get some help via this newsletter. Put any questions, requests or queries in the comments below and I’ll pick one to answer. I’ll also put the question to the readership at large so we can all help each other out. If you have something you’d like some help with, put it in the comments. You can see last month’s here.
Stop to pet pretty much any dog - check lol
A bloody great post and timely reminder that even when we are in a relationship the importance of self-love should always be at the top of our lists. Happy Galentines Day x