I have flu. You know, proper flu. Not Covid or a slightly worse than usual cold. The sort of flu where you’re shivering one minute and sweating the next. The sort of flu where you feel a bit better so you take your long-suffering and very bored dog for a fifteen minute trot around the block and then have to go back to bed for two hours. The sort of flu where you have to cancel all your plans and you want to be furious about this but you just can’t work up the energy. You want to be furious about a lot of things - Andrew Tate, electricity prices, the random sizing in H&M making it impossible to safely shop the sale online - but fury takes energy and you have none so you make a note on your phone to get mad about these things in the new year and then you go back to bed. Again.
The good thing about this level of illness though is that it’s reminded me of the most important lesson I’ve learned this year - sometimes you just have to give in.
I know, giving in isn’t the sort of attitude that’s encouraged at this time of the year. We should all be making resolutions and girding our loins to make an attack on 2023 but as someone who attacked 2022 and promptly fell flat on her arse, there is a lot to be said for giving in. I’m not enough of either a philosopher or a hippy to explain why it is that the second you shrug your shoulders and go, “well that’s it then” things start to change but that does seem to be what happens.
Here are some times I gave in last year and the things that changed because of it:
In February, I sat at dinner with three of my best girlfriends and admitted that I wouldn’t be too fussed if I was run over by a bus on the way home. I didn’t want to worry them, nor did I want to admit that I was out of ways to make life better but that’s just how I felt so I gave in and admitted it. The next week I received a letter from my doctor saying my thyroid was low and I should start on Thyroxin to improve it. 48 hours later the clouds began to lift. If you’re also feeling this way, do tell someone. And also get your thyroid checked. Ask to see the numbers - even if your doctor tells you it’s fine - and if you’re on the low side push for further investigation. It’s such a simple problem but it has a huge impact.
My income fluctuated more this year than it ever has as a freelancer. In the summer months I lived in a state of panic, constantly trying to drum up new business and feeling like I was getting nowhere. And then in September, with a calendar finally full of work engagements, disaster struck. One client changed their mind, the Queen’s death saw a series of events quickly cancelled, and a delayed flight meant that I lost two whole days of well-paid work. In total, I lost over £8,000 worth of work in a week.
I can remember standing in Riyadh airport, realising that my flight was cancelled and no-one from BA was going to pick up the phone and help me, realising that the last bit of money on the horizon had just disappeared. And I had to laugh. Apparently all the “positive thinking” and “forward actions” I’d focussed on in the previous months meant sod all. This is it, I decided, the universe wants me to be poor and I shall just have to accept it. I looked up the heavens and said, out loud in the middle of the airport, “ok, you win.” I am nothing if not dramatic when giving in.
When I got home I organised my finances to live on a smaller budget, I cancelled a trip I could no-longer afford and I accepted any work that came my way, regardless of whether it aligned with what I wanted to be doing or not. And things changed. Work picked up so much that I was working until midnight on the run-up to Christmas. Money came back in and I stopped looking at my bank account with fear. Things changed but only once I gave in.
And finally, this week I have given into the flu. I could feel myself getting ill a few days before Christmas but I refused to admit it. Things will be fine, I told myself, just as soon as I have some time to rest I’ll feel fine again. We all know how this ends. On Christmas Eve I was coughing and shivering and on Christmas morning I went back to bed with just the dog for company and had a good old cry at the bad timing of it all. And then I pulled myself together. Being ill over Christmas was nowhere near the worst that could happen. I’d had an amazing run up to it, so if this was the result so be it. I have given into the flu. I have cancelled new year plans and accepted that all of those big ideas I had for January have to wait. I have had to let people down and I’m feeling devastated for what might have been. But somehow I know, giving in doesn’t mean the end of things, it just means the start of something I hadn’t planned for. And in 2023, I’ll take that.
What have you given into this year? And how did it work out for you? Sometimes when we look back on a situation, the story we see in it is different. Did that break-up really break you? Was that job you missed out on really the greatest thing that could ever have happened? Did letting go of that new year’s diet really ruin your life? As you look back on the year it’s worth looking at the places where you feel you haven’t been as successful or where you didn’t achieve want you wanted and asking yourself, does this really matter?
Tell me what you gave up on in 2022 (or what you’re giving up on in 2023) in the comments, I’d love to know I’m not alone in giving in!
And speaking on giving in and reviewing the year… I wanted to offer a Zoom closing 2022 ceremony to paid subscribers before the new year but my voice isn’t going to last for an entire hour and nobody needs to see my snotty face right now, so it will move into January. HOWEVER, I will be sending all paid subscribers the ceremony outline and questions to consider tomorrow - so if you want to make sure you close the year as the year closes, keep an eye on your inbox for that.
Finally, a massive thank you for all your support in 2022. It feels like the year where I slowly staggered to my feet, got knocked down a few times and then let you all pick me back up. I am so, so grateful! Wishing you all a wonderful new year, and a gentle start to 2023 xxx
I hear you. The last 13 months TBH have had it in for me. My mum died unexpectedly right at the end of November 21, which changed my life dramatically (I was her carer around work, there was a long history of wider family challenges before that, and she was the last of my true family, so it's just me now).
Muddled through handling the loss, winding up her estate, selling her house etc on my own, with enormous gratitude to a fantastic employer and a patient non-cohabiting partner, until September when someone pulled out in front of me on an A road, writing off the new electric car I'd bought with some inheritance money as a pick-me-up. It would have been the end of me had I not been driving something with every safety feature going, so I was quite glad really. Also made me fundamentally re-evaluate my life, and quit the MA I'd started just before Mum died, that I was stupidly trying to keep on with.
That was also when I finally accepted that I needed a proper break from work, so I'm now on a phased return. There was a hiccup at my first attempt with that too, going back and being hit with a management / team issue pretty much on the first day, which made me realise that aforementioned "issues" with wider family had left me not best placed to handle people management, even if I am pretty good at it.
I decided in the end that Sh1tsville can have 2022 to do its worst, but that it can bl00dy well do one in 2023 - I'm having my newly-designed life back!
That was a overly-long way of getting to my take on it. I chose not to see it as giving up. I see it as acceptance. Life has its own special way of pooping from a great height on our best laid plans. If you stop trying to fight it, you can then start finding your way through and out the other side. Here's to 2023! Rest up, and get well soon.
Firstly, get well wishes Harriet. Flu is no joke and so hopefully with rest and time you’ll soon be back to feeling more like yourself. Secondly, I do think there is something to be said for letting go and giving in. It doesn’t mean farewell to your plans and dreams but just a pause until you feel able to meet them again. As a freelancer myself it is hard when work can be up and down but it’s oh so rewarding when the slack picks up and the chaos of deadlines ensues once more. Wishing you a peaceful New Year -- even if your plans aren’t quite the ones you’d originally had -- although sometimes the comfort of you pj’s and some good TV with snacks and your fav beverage is all you need. :-)x