Pulling Out Old Coats

Or, how a collision in a swimming pool reminded me of who I used to be

Photo by Steven Kamenar on Unsplash

A few months ago I wrote about Kate Middleton and the authenticity dilemma - can we be truly authentic and still hold onto our private lives? Does true authenticity require the sharing of everything all at once or can we keep some of ourselves back? I still don’t have the answer to this but I while I was thinking about it this week I was reminded of a great idea from my friend Natalie Reynolds (also the woman who I go to for all things negotiation, her book is a must-read). When asked about what it takes to show up authentically, Natalie likes to say this: 

Imagine you have a closet full of different coats. You have a coat for smart events, jackets you walk the dogs in, coats for snowy days and coats for when there’s just a light breeze. Maybe you have a coat for hiking up mountains and a jacket for wearing to funerals. There’s a coat you wear when you want to feel snuggly and another you put on when you want to feel badass. You have a closet full of coats and all of these coats are yours, you’re not about to reach into that closet and pull out a coat belonging to someone else. Nor are you going to wear all the coats at once. This is what it means to be authentic; to know that you have different aspects of your personality that you pull out for different events. You’re not going to pretend to be someone else, nor are you going to bring every aspect of your personality to every part of your day to day life - because everyone would think you were mad. You pick one of your coats that works for that situation and you wear that. 

I really love the simplicity of this analogy but as I, literally, start pulling out all of my warmer clothing to get ready for winter I noticed something - there are jackets and jumpers that had been slumbering at the back of my wardrobe, beloved but forgotten about. And I wonder how often that applies to parts of our personality too. 

Let me give you an example: a few weeks ago I was on at a spa with a friend, doing a very gentle doggy paddle up and down the pool. As I swam, someone called out “Harriet!” and I looked over to see a woman I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic. We swam over too each other and did a sort of awkward treading-water hug. And then the first thing she said to me was,

“Are you still running that sex course?!” 

This probably sounds like a bit of a strange opener but you see when we’d last met I’d been firmly clad in a coat of body positivity and self-love. I’d been on an amazing ten year journey of getting to know myself, I’d embraced every woo-woo opportunity that had come my way and alongside some other amazing coaches, I’d run a weekend course that helped women tap back into their relationship with their bodies, their power and their desire for life. It’s still the best and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. (Even if it is known amongst all my friends as “that sex course”!) 

That encounter in a pool was so important. Not just because I bumped into someone I really love and admire but had lost touch with but also because she reminded me of a coat that lives in the back of my closet that I had forgotten about. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently either working in my new business (developing leadership development programmes with Lea_p Leadership, which you can read all about here), dealing with the stress of moving house and an accidental renovation (that story is here) or trying to work out how to exist in a world that seems to become more polarised and violent every day. All of these are important coats to wear but it means I haven’t put on the coat which focuses on pleasure, on receiving rather than doing, that lets me just play and have fun, for a while. 

When I realised this I sat down with my friend Nikki who developed the course and we both agreed, we needed to put that coat back on. So we booked a venue, rounded up some people we knew had been waiting for this course to come back and from the 8th - 10th November I get to bring back that part of my personality which loves to work with women on their personal lives as well as their working ones. I cannot wait! (And if you’re interested, all the details are here. I’m also offering a further discount for newsletter subscribers so DM me for that / more info.)

I see this so often with my coaching clients too. Women getting stuck in one aspect of their life and forgetting that there are other aspects of their personality that also need to be loved and nurtured. We commonly talk about it when women become mothers and realise that not only do they spend all their time taking care of other people but that’s also how the world sees them and expects them to be at all times. They’re not allowed to wear any other coats. 

But I also see it in women with big jobs who spend so much time focussed on their work that they lose who they are outside their job titles. Or women coming out of relationships, confused about who they are now that they are viewing themselves as one person rather than constantly in relationship to someone else. 

We all have coats buried at the back of our wardrobes, forgotten but not unloved. And if there was ever a time to pull them out and have a good look at them, then it’s as the seasons change and we step into who we’re meant to be at this time in our life. So tell me, what coats are you putting back into the rotation? 

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If you’re looking at bringing more joy, pleasure and excitement into your life (or just want to know who you are outside of the roles you’ve been playing for too long), then I’ll be running Sovereignty and Seduction with the amazing coach, Nikki Armytage-Foy, from the 8th - 10th November, in London. You can find all the details here or DM me if you’d like to discuss it.