The 8 minute call that could change your life
Or, connection for avoidant attachment styles (and everyone who has to live with them)
A few years ago, a friend and I started doing “check-in calls”. They differed from a normal call with a friend in that a) they had a set time limit and b) we followed the same format each time. It goes a little like this: one of us will share what we’re thinking / feeling / worrying about that day for two or three minutes (we agree the time in advance), the other person will just listen. At the end of the share, the listener will ask, “do you want some feedback?” Sometimes we want to hear what the other thinks about our situation, other times just sharing it sorts everything out.
If they do want some feedback, I’ll share what I heard from them and offer some empathy. We really try and stay away from offering solutions, no fixing here! Then we’ll swap. Sometimes just one of us wants to share and that’s fine. Sometimes we need more time and we’ll check that the other person has that or agree to keep it short if they don’t. Once we’ve both shared we hang up and move on with our day.
When I tell people about this I get mixed reactions. Often people think something so short and formulaic lacks depth or richness but the opposite is true, it’s these micro-moments that keep us engaged in each other’s lives. It’s similar to the voicenotes I swap with another friend, a running micro-podcast of our daily lives, or the group chats filled with memes, reality TV dissection and the occasional cry for help that make up the backbone of some of my dearest friendships. But there’s something special about hearing someone’s voice and about being listened to in turn.
And then this week I learned that the mini phone call is about to go global. Legendary TED speaker and all-round strategic thinking guru, Simon Sinek, talked about the 8 minute calls he has with one of his friends on The Diary of a CEO podcast. Sinek’s friend had gone through a period of bad mental health and when Sinek had asked her why she hadn’t reached out to him she pointed him to all the times she’d messaged him saying, “are you around for a chat?”.
Like many of us, Sinek had seen those messages and been instantly hit by the conflict that is wanting to talk to your friend and also knowing that you have a million other things to be doing and right now really isn’t a good time. He’d seen her request for time but had felt overwhelmed by it. If that seems strange to you then congratulations on your secure attachment system. For the rest of us however, there can be a lot of comfort in creating some ground-rules in how we respond to requests for help.
When Sinek realised the impact his avoidance was having on his friend, he went into research mode. What he discovered was that for most humans to feel a level of connection with each other, we really only need eight minutes of someone else’s time. An eight minute conversation is more than enough to make us feel heard, to reassure us that someone is there for us and, most importantly, to create the sense of community that we know is vital to our wellbeing. Sinek and his friend now send each other messages asking, “do you have eight minutes?”. It’s deepened their friendship and brought them both closer together.
For those of us who find ourselves with a tendency to either run in and save our friends when they’re in trouble or hold back our own problems for fear of burdening others, setting these boundaries around how we interact can create a feeling of safety while also allowing for connection. And if you’re in a relationship with someone (or working with someone) who tends to keep their feelings bottled up, or finds it hard to listen to yours, setting a time limit can be a way of making space for each other without overwhelming the other person’s nervous system.
Would you try this? Does it seem like madness to those of you who will happily pick up the phone and chat for hours? Tell me in the comments.
If you’re looking at bringing more joy, pleasure and excitement into your life (or just want to know who you are outside of the roles you’ve been playing for too long), then I’ll be running Sovereignty and Seduction with the amazing coach, Nikki Armytage-Foy, from the 8th - 10th November, in London. EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT FINISHES THIS WEEK (and as a subscriber you get a further discount, just DM me for the code). You can find all the details here or DM me if you’d like to discuss it.