This newsletter is uncomfortable to write because I am going to admit to something I feel shame about. I might admit this and you might be horrified by it, feel as though you’re disappointed in me or you might shrug your shoulders and move on. I have no control over what you think about the rest of this newsletter and yet I am nervous of talking about it, nervous of you thinking less of me and also nervous of you thinking less of me because what I’m about to tell you really shouldn’t be about me and yet, here I am, making it about me.
Back in October last year I made a big life decision. The hows and whys of it are for another day but the upshot of it is that I decided I would start retraining to become a relationship therapist. Long-term I think I want to become a sex therapist but there are five years in between that and now, so who knows what will have happened by then. But in January I took the first, very small step towards that and went back to college. Every Monday night I make my way across London and sit in the basement of an old building with twelve other students as we grapple with the theory of attachment, the work of Freud and just why it is that we had that one row with an ex ten years ago.
Each week we have to read a paper beforehand which we then discuss in class. These papers are listed on an online hub and so each week I login and check what’s coming up. Some weeks there are two papers. This was one of those weeks with two papers. Except I missed the second paper. Didn’t see it was there. Dutifully read the first paper about how to work with clients and then moved on with my day. When I got to class that night I was confused that everyone seemed to be discussing a paper I hadn’t heard of. Was this on a reading list that I’d missed? Had I got the dates wrong and done a reading for another week?
It wouldn’t really have mattered of course. I would have to admit to the tutor that I hadn’t done the reading, which would be a bit embarrassing because I’ve never got over my childhood need to be top of the class but beyond that, it was just one paper. Except it wasn’t just one paper. The paper was entitled, “Why We Need to Talk About Race” and set out the privilege that white therapists work with - most importantly, the privilege that is if they want to avoid ever thinking about race, they can. That if I want to avoid thinking about race, I can.
In class, we were split into two groups - one group to discuss each paper. You could choose which paper you wanted to discuss and I chose to go to the group which was discussing the paper on race. Was I trying to make myself look better? Did I feel some white guilt that I was now trying to atone for? Did I really want to learn what was in that paper or did I want to be seen to be learning? Is that what I’m doing here now? Maybe. Probably.
Therapy is an overwhelmingly white profession and therapy training is no different. We study the works of white people, in a group made up largely of white people, more often than not taught by yet more white people. It would be incredibly easy for me to avoid ever having to think or talk about race. I could have read that one paper about it, discussed it intensely in class, said what an important topic it was and how great it was that finally it was being discussed… and then never have had to talk about it for the rest of my career as a therapist if I so chose. But my brain went a step further for me and I didn’t even see that paper on the reading list. My avoidance was so ingrained that I didn’t have to work at it.
I tell you this story because I wonder what you avoid and where you over-explain. My first draft of this piece featured a lot of explaining: explaining who I am, the work I’ve done, how I see the world etc etc. A lot of hot air, in short. Over-explaining is just another form of avoidance, another way for us to not be honest with ourselves. So what are the big issues that you think you understand in your head but if you’re being honest you suspect you might be skipping over? What are the things you’re choosing not to see? For the white people reading this, how are you avoiding thinking about race?
Missing that paper reminded me of the ways in which I censor the world around me, how easy it is for me to do that and how little it impacts me when I do. I had the reminder of the privilege of avoidance this week, this is your reminder of it too.