What if you're not really a commitment-phobe?
Or, what happened when I was given a reframe of my entire personality
Have you seen those memes about how when a friend cancels plans everyone is secretly relieved? My favourite is the Twitter post (yes, I’m still calling it Twitter) which posited the idea of a Tinder for cancelling plans. You can secretly swipe right to cancel and then if the other person does the same, you have a cancelling match! And if they’re an enthusiastic plan attender then they’ll never know that you were actually hoping to spend the night in with a takeaway and the 1000th rewatch of New Girl rather than see them. I love this idea and would like someone to implement it right away.
I am a notorious canceller of plans. I am also well known for saying yes to a work project and then desperately scurrying around to find someone who can do it in my place, or for deciding to launch a whole new product or career path, and then getting cold feet and never doing anything about it. For years, I have thought what this meant was that I had a problem with commitment. That I was great at enthusiasm but lousy at perseverance. Like many of us do with parts of our personality that we don’t particularly like, I became quite ashamed of my lack of commitment and constantly looked for new ways to prove that I was indeed someone who could stick it out.
In practice what this meant is that I took on more and more things and became less and less committed. It is a standing joke amongst my friends that I get excited for something for about six weeks and then I’m over it and bewildered when they buy me gifts relating to it. I have long since learned to never buy any sporting equipment related to whatever exercise activity I’m currently into - it is the kiss of death for that interest. And when it comes to writing, I have a folder full of three chapter books which I was convinced were going to be bestsellers until I myself grew so bored of them that I couldn’t believe any reader would actually want them. This continued lack of follow-through has haunted me and, if I’m being honest, taken a toll on my self-esteem. Until this week, when I read a reframe on it.
What if rather than being commitment-phobic, I was in fact a commitment-obsessive? What is my inability to stick with something comes not from my lack of determination but in fact because I’m so busy saying yes to every new idea that I end up with too many commitments to ever be able to keep them?
Now perhaps you read the first few paragraphs of this post and had already realised that was what was going on. But my little mind was blown by this. Suddenly the way I saw myself shifted completely. I wasn’t a terrible, unreliable person. I was someone who was just enthusiastic for life.
I don’t think it helps that we’re bombarded with messages today that push this idea that if we want something, we can have it. We’re told that if we want it, we’ll work for it. That, there are 24 hours in a day so surely we can make time. And that if we really desire something, we should absolutely be going for it. But what if you’re someone who desires everything?
Astonishingly it has taken me until the age of 41 and two thirds, to realise that I might not be able to do everything in this life that I want to. I might not be able to stay at home with my dog every day and travel the world. I might not be able to do a degree, write a book and run a million pound business all at the same time. I might not be able to buy a massive house and only work three days a week. I might not be able to have deep connection and intimacy with someone, while still maintaining a relationship that is filled with flirtation and newness. Somewhere along the line, I might have to make a choice. And in making that choice, I might have to sit with the sadness that comes with losing something before I can leap into the joy that comes with saying, yes.
People talk about getting what you want but they so often fail to mention that getting what you want comes with losing other things you also wanted. My problem has never been with commitment, it’s been with loss. And who amongst us is really ok with that anyway?
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Harriet, this has BLOWN MY MIND. I don't know if you've read The Unexpected Joy Of The Ordinary by Catherine Gray but she has a chapter in there about being a 'maximiser' vs a 'satisficer' and I had a similar lightbulb moment from there. Funny what a reframe can do, isn't it?
Oo I love this - makes me think of when Oliver Burkeman on our pod said you can do anything but not everything. Going to give this some thought!! Definitely want both those things in a relationship (hence why single maybe 🙃)