Of all the things society forces us to consider others thoughts of us before our own welfare I wish we had all been spared so much of this and taught how to love ourselves and be soft with ourselves and be healthy with our minds and bodies what ever they might look like. And do this before stepping into the world as adults. Life would have had been a lot less nerve wracking! I feel like as an over 40 single, non parent woman with cat that society has no rules for me anymore and it's only now I've been given the realisation that society (others) should never have been the driving force in my life. But it always, ever so subtly, has been. Roll on 2024 I'm going to live in a van, find an alternative income stream than a 9 to 5 and be my best type of human self for me. I hope anyone reading this also finds their own sort of freedom too x
Thank you so much for writing this - it must have taken a lot of courage to do so. It really resonates with me - except I am also a 5ft 9er like Lily. Being a larger person than a lot of men has been quite challenging and I often wondered if I’d feel better about that if I moved to Scandinavia and found a Viking? I think my main takeaway from this is how much time we spend thinking about our weight and size. I’m pretty sure I could have written a novel and done some extra degrees in that time! As women we could probably have dismantled the patriarchy.... And yet it’s never done. I was overweight in my teens/20’s but managed to diet and keep my weight in the ‘normal’ range more or less for 10 years. But I’ve had COVID 4 times now and it’s just all crept back on. I’m way more focused on health now than I ever was but the thin fantasy is very hard to let go of - even after a lot of therapy! Thank you again - great article ❤️
Fantastic piece, one I’ll come back to again with my journal. I’m interested by the comparison to height - as a ‘small fat’ but 5’9” (ish), I am lucky enough to always have been happy with my height - *except* when I combines with my weight to make me a generally ‘big’ person.
I hadn't really thought about the 'why' of my obsession with body size. Not that my body has ever been especially fat except after my divorce, but when I was a child people were slimmer so a podgy child was considered fat. My family nickname was Addie, short for adipose, the fatty tissue under the skin. Families can be so charming can't they? Your comment that it's about wanting men to like us resonated with me, having never thought about it that way before. But as a disabled woman, no matter how fat or thin I am, there's a snowball's chance in hell of men finding me attractive (for the right reasons) anyway…!! And I'm so old now I don't care any more. Hoorah! Keep writing please :-)
What a great piece of writing. As someone who has always hovered in the upper or lower ends of small fat, gone through the same ‘bopo’ to anger at the patriarchy to finding peace - and then have it shattered by ozempic - this resonnates so much! Because no matter how ok I am with me, the world right now is not, and constantly facing that is EXHAUSTING.
Even as someone who is not exclusively attracted to men, I still resonate a lot with wanting to look a certain way to gain the approval of men. I find myself thinking 'Why does nobody look at me anymore?' which sends me into a tailspin of low confidence and self-flagellation about not being thin enough, not dressing well enough, not being pretty enough. But realistically I don't want them to look at me! I don't want to be cat-called and harassed!
It's all an exhausting tug of war between my rational self and the little girl who grew up internalising that attractiveness is equal to value.
I also really resonated with the idea that hating your body is a familiar default to fall back on when your life is a mess. When my Grandad died early last year, I found myself diving head first back into incredibly negative self talk about my body, rather than actually work to process the enormous grief I was feeling.
I've always been incredibly turned off by the body positivity movement, with body acceptance seeming a lot more realistic. I might not love my body, but I can accept that it is the way it is, and that is freeing. Here's to a new year where we chase our goals and take up more space, rather than trying to minimise ourselves ❤️
Excellent post - there's so much in it that had me nodding in agreement.
Interestingly, the two times I managed to get CLOSE to what my BMI is supposed to be, people would stare at me with genuine concern and ask I was okay. No, really, was I okay??? One person actually asked if I was dying.
And my recollection of those two times being possible was: First time - I was working as a runner on a film set, getting up at 4.45am, on my feet all day, getting home at 11.30pm. Barely eating. Totally unsustainable. Second time - I'd split up with a g/f and was hugely depressed, walking for miles every day and (again) barely eating. These are the only two times I got close to my BMI, and two ways of living that I'd rather not revisit.
These days I'm trying to hit my steps every day (with a Thyroid problem, which means a lot of effort for no results). At least the doctors never fail to remind me I need to lose weight, which always helps...
There is so so so much here. Thanks for taking us on this journey with you from the body positivity movement's origins to ozempic. It feels like therapy, the good kind, a freedom and letting go. That ending! Part 2 is where you pick the whole BMI thing apart as a load of tosh. Now we're waiting for the conclusion. What happened next?! Also you are wonderful as you are. Gorgeous!
Well done and thank you for writing this Harriet. You’ve touched on so many lessons I have been learning myself - not just about the wasted brain space and oxygen but also the privileges we hold with our different body shapes and sizes, AND the racial structures behind desirability and even BMI as a very flawed measured of human health and fitness. After years of disordered eating that started with a weight controlled sport as a teen, and only recently achieving some form of self-acceptance, this was the first time I felt the privilege of my 5ft5ish height! We need to have more conversations like this - not just because of how painfully cruel we are being to our precious bodies, but also because it is such a time wasting distraction from us actually doing and achieving meaningful change in the world. I read recently that perfectionism and people pleasing is a tool of white supremacist, patriarchal structures, to control and distract women, and it has clearly been very bloody effective for far too long! Here’s to making more meaningful change in the world that is literally far bigger than us!
Hello! health coach here. This week I have argued with lots of women at teatime/shops/mooching around about 1/their BMI! 2/their high cholesterol!this one was from a pinprick test at the back of Boots 3/their prediabetes!. It is really as if they need to have a something about something before they feel validated. I love being short (lots of legroom everywhere, being able to scuttle around people and get to the front of anywhere, pointing at top shelves in shops and getting things brought down, having barriers opened at Heathrow because I look like someone's short auntie from the Punjab etc etc :D!). I am tired of arguing with GPs about BMI and cholesterol though-I am medium build (really! not Match profiley) like my mother, short like my Ma and unlike my Ma not yet 91-even though her cholesterol is stratospheric. She is all there and also loves being short for the same reasons as me-and PLUS less far to fall!!!!
Thank you for this! I’m afraid to think about how much time I’ve spent and energy I’ve used trying to lose weight. I’ve just gained quite a bit of weight back that I spent all last year losing and I’m discouraged, to say the least. It occurred to me the other day that maybe I should stop trying. Maybe this is me, my body, this way, now and forever. What would I do if I just accepted this is me? You have inspired me to find out.🩵
This was so wonderful to read Harriet, as I get older, I'm learning you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life.
Of all the things society forces us to consider others thoughts of us before our own welfare I wish we had all been spared so much of this and taught how to love ourselves and be soft with ourselves and be healthy with our minds and bodies what ever they might look like. And do this before stepping into the world as adults. Life would have had been a lot less nerve wracking! I feel like as an over 40 single, non parent woman with cat that society has no rules for me anymore and it's only now I've been given the realisation that society (others) should never have been the driving force in my life. But it always, ever so subtly, has been. Roll on 2024 I'm going to live in a van, find an alternative income stream than a 9 to 5 and be my best type of human self for me. I hope anyone reading this also finds their own sort of freedom too x
I relate. It's just so exhausting when you realise how much headspace this has taken up over the years...
Thank you so much for writing this - it must have taken a lot of courage to do so. It really resonates with me - except I am also a 5ft 9er like Lily. Being a larger person than a lot of men has been quite challenging and I often wondered if I’d feel better about that if I moved to Scandinavia and found a Viking? I think my main takeaway from this is how much time we spend thinking about our weight and size. I’m pretty sure I could have written a novel and done some extra degrees in that time! As women we could probably have dismantled the patriarchy.... And yet it’s never done. I was overweight in my teens/20’s but managed to diet and keep my weight in the ‘normal’ range more or less for 10 years. But I’ve had COVID 4 times now and it’s just all crept back on. I’m way more focused on health now than I ever was but the thin fantasy is very hard to let go of - even after a lot of therapy! Thank you again - great article ❤️
Gosh, this piece really resonated in ways that I didn’t want to admit. The bit about Barry from IT? Ouch.
Fantastic piece, one I’ll come back to again with my journal. I’m interested by the comparison to height - as a ‘small fat’ but 5’9” (ish), I am lucky enough to always have been happy with my height - *except* when I combines with my weight to make me a generally ‘big’ person.
I hadn't really thought about the 'why' of my obsession with body size. Not that my body has ever been especially fat except after my divorce, but when I was a child people were slimmer so a podgy child was considered fat. My family nickname was Addie, short for adipose, the fatty tissue under the skin. Families can be so charming can't they? Your comment that it's about wanting men to like us resonated with me, having never thought about it that way before. But as a disabled woman, no matter how fat or thin I am, there's a snowball's chance in hell of men finding me attractive (for the right reasons) anyway…!! And I'm so old now I don't care any more. Hoorah! Keep writing please :-)
♥️
What a great piece of writing. As someone who has always hovered in the upper or lower ends of small fat, gone through the same ‘bopo’ to anger at the patriarchy to finding peace - and then have it shattered by ozempic - this resonnates so much! Because no matter how ok I am with me, the world right now is not, and constantly facing that is EXHAUSTING.
This was such a great and eye-opening read!
Even as someone who is not exclusively attracted to men, I still resonate a lot with wanting to look a certain way to gain the approval of men. I find myself thinking 'Why does nobody look at me anymore?' which sends me into a tailspin of low confidence and self-flagellation about not being thin enough, not dressing well enough, not being pretty enough. But realistically I don't want them to look at me! I don't want to be cat-called and harassed!
It's all an exhausting tug of war between my rational self and the little girl who grew up internalising that attractiveness is equal to value.
I also really resonated with the idea that hating your body is a familiar default to fall back on when your life is a mess. When my Grandad died early last year, I found myself diving head first back into incredibly negative self talk about my body, rather than actually work to process the enormous grief I was feeling.
I've always been incredibly turned off by the body positivity movement, with body acceptance seeming a lot more realistic. I might not love my body, but I can accept that it is the way it is, and that is freeing. Here's to a new year where we chase our goals and take up more space, rather than trying to minimise ourselves ❤️
Excellent post - there's so much in it that had me nodding in agreement.
Interestingly, the two times I managed to get CLOSE to what my BMI is supposed to be, people would stare at me with genuine concern and ask I was okay. No, really, was I okay??? One person actually asked if I was dying.
And my recollection of those two times being possible was: First time - I was working as a runner on a film set, getting up at 4.45am, on my feet all day, getting home at 11.30pm. Barely eating. Totally unsustainable. Second time - I'd split up with a g/f and was hugely depressed, walking for miles every day and (again) barely eating. These are the only two times I got close to my BMI, and two ways of living that I'd rather not revisit.
These days I'm trying to hit my steps every day (with a Thyroid problem, which means a lot of effort for no results). At least the doctors never fail to remind me I need to lose weight, which always helps...
There is so so so much here. Thanks for taking us on this journey with you from the body positivity movement's origins to ozempic. It feels like therapy, the good kind, a freedom and letting go. That ending! Part 2 is where you pick the whole BMI thing apart as a load of tosh. Now we're waiting for the conclusion. What happened next?! Also you are wonderful as you are. Gorgeous!
Well done and thank you for writing this Harriet. You’ve touched on so many lessons I have been learning myself - not just about the wasted brain space and oxygen but also the privileges we hold with our different body shapes and sizes, AND the racial structures behind desirability and even BMI as a very flawed measured of human health and fitness. After years of disordered eating that started with a weight controlled sport as a teen, and only recently achieving some form of self-acceptance, this was the first time I felt the privilege of my 5ft5ish height! We need to have more conversations like this - not just because of how painfully cruel we are being to our precious bodies, but also because it is such a time wasting distraction from us actually doing and achieving meaningful change in the world. I read recently that perfectionism and people pleasing is a tool of white supremacist, patriarchal structures, to control and distract women, and it has clearly been very bloody effective for far too long! Here’s to making more meaningful change in the world that is literally far bigger than us!
Hello! health coach here. This week I have argued with lots of women at teatime/shops/mooching around about 1/their BMI! 2/their high cholesterol!this one was from a pinprick test at the back of Boots 3/their prediabetes!. It is really as if they need to have a something about something before they feel validated. I love being short (lots of legroom everywhere, being able to scuttle around people and get to the front of anywhere, pointing at top shelves in shops and getting things brought down, having barriers opened at Heathrow because I look like someone's short auntie from the Punjab etc etc :D!). I am tired of arguing with GPs about BMI and cholesterol though-I am medium build (really! not Match profiley) like my mother, short like my Ma and unlike my Ma not yet 91-even though her cholesterol is stratospheric. She is all there and also loves being short for the same reasons as me-and PLUS less far to fall!!!!
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for this! I’m afraid to think about how much time I’ve spent and energy I’ve used trying to lose weight. I’ve just gained quite a bit of weight back that I spent all last year losing and I’m discouraged, to say the least. It occurred to me the other day that maybe I should stop trying. Maybe this is me, my body, this way, now and forever. What would I do if I just accepted this is me? You have inspired me to find out.🩵
This was so wonderful to read Harriet, as I get older, I'm learning you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life.